Split in Two
by lilsherlockian1975
Summary: An introspective look into Jamie's thoughts (from a shipper's perspective) after he and Brienne return to King's Landing. My idea of what he really meant by giving her Oathkeeper. Oneshot. My first Bramie fic.


_Dipping my toe into the bramie ship with this tiny bit of angst - which is quite unlike me, if I'm honest - but it stings, folks. They did us wrong. They hurt us bad, yo. Anyhoo, been writing for years in the Sherlock (BBC) and Harry Potter fandoms, so give this a look-see and let me know what you think. I've got about ten other GoT fics in the works, by the by (none of them angsty - I'm usually known for humor and smut ; ). _

_I want to thank bassfanimation (Tumblr) for looking this over and giving encouragement. I tried to keep this close to canon as it's just a (shippers) look inside Jamie's head after he and Brienne return to King's Landing. Any and all errors belong to me. Try to be nice. _

_I own nothing. Enjoy ~Lil~_

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He has never known _newness_ before. Not in this, at least. If he felt anything like it with his twin, he cannot remember it. He remembers the first time he held a real sword. His first tourney. The first time he held his baby brother and even his sister's first cruel words spat at the babe. This, however, he can't find in his memory. He cannot recall this feeling of falling. _Did it ever feel like this with Cersei?_ he wonders because he can't remember and he does try. He tries to recall their first time. That first rush of the undiscovered flesh is a memory that Jamie cannot pull forth no matter how hard he tries. There was a first time for he and Cersei, but he simply can't find it. They just always _were_.

That's why the wench hits him so hard; the _newness _of it is nearly soul-rending. It's why, upon finally reaching King's Landing, he feels more loss than gain. He feels as if he's splitting in two.

Everyone thinks him an honourless oathbreaker, but Jamie will _not _abandon his family for anything. His children - and they are his, even if they are not aware of it - need him and he will do everything in his power to protect them. He has tried (and failed fantastically) to protect Tyrion whenever he could. Cersei. His sister needs protection from herself more than any outside threats. Admittedly, he's of little use as she's still his biggest weakness. Even with the _newness, _he's powerless against his twin's wants and wishes. Though he now feels a strange _wrongness _from Cersei's touches (seldom as they are). He's never felt that before, even when most of the realm was judging him a deviant for simply _loving_.

Brienne doesn't need him and that is yet another new feeling. Everyone needs something from him...

_Be my other half. Protect your king. Burn them all. Wear this cloke. Give me an heir. Be two places at once. Burn them all. Turn a blind eye. Don't let them hurt our children! Have honour. Burn them all... _

Brienne's strong, certainly stronger than him and of course, two-handed. She's capable, powerful - though not in the way a Lannister thinks of power - his family would never understand that, wouldn't even try. She has her duty and her oaths and Jamie will not take that from her, ever. He's a hindrance and nothing more.

He has to let her go - _will _let her go, of course. This oath he will keep not because of a woman who traded his life for that of her daughters (still an oathbreaker at heart) but because of Brienne. He wants to be with her somehow, to be back out there - the two of them against the world. But he can't. He must stay with his family, it's the only thing he's ever known, until the _newness_, that is, but it's still _too _new and he doesn't deserve it anyway. Since he will never deserve it, he does the thing for which he's least known. _He thinks._ Jamie thinks of a way to be with her, yet not.

And then Tywin, of all people, gives him a priceless gift.

He'll never forget the look on her face as she touches the Valyrian steel. Reverence. Awe. Honour. He feels a small part of him mend back together. He's not fixed, there's no fixing him - broken as he is - but he feels a tiny stitch of honour, her honour probably, weaving itself around the bleakness that has existed since Aerys. Like… a fraction of her unsullied soul reaches out and caresses him. It's ecstasy and agony at once.

She doesn't understand what he's doing, what he's giving her. That's okay. It's for the best. His heart is tarnished and broken, it's soiled with betrayal and the worst kinds of sin. A woman like Brienne wouldn't want it if she knew he was giving it to her. So, he hides it in a sword, his sad unwanted heart. But it's not enough because even though she doesn't _need _his protection, he's still a man and wants to protect that which he loves. He commissions for her the finest armour Lannister gold can buy. It has to be blue. She looks lovely in blue because no matter what everyone thinks, she's lovely to him. And finally, he gives her Podrick, another lost soul and, yes, in danger in the city - that isn't a lie. But he's just a boy and for a moment, only a moment in time, Jamie can imagine the three of them almost like a family. Not the family he's known, not infighting and jealousy and spite, but rather looking out for one another and growing together and honest love.

Watching her ride away splits his heart in two once again, but this time it doesn't hurt because he's sent the decent parts of him with her and she always takes good care of her weapons…

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_Okay, sad but as I said, I have lots more. Files full of AUs. Let me know what you think. Give a girl some encouragement and see if I can manage to finish another fic. I might surprise us all. You can find me on Tumblr (same name). Thanks so much for reading. ~Lil~_


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